AisKara's Thoughts

With how the year 2025 has gone, it’s not surprising that I’m ending the year in alone and in tears. I’ve spent so much of this year crying, so it seems only right that I’m ending the year this way.

New Year’s Eve seems to have become a day where I’m overwhelmed by feelings of loss and loneliness that I haven’t been able to move on from. It hasn’t always been like this. I can remember years ago when New Year’s Eve was a happy time, where I celebrated with my family, my partner’s family, my friends. It used to be a time where we would look forward to what was coming, to celebrate being together for the adventures that we had ahead of us.

Since COVID, that’s changed. I don’t celebrate with my family anymore because they’ve moved too far away. I don’t celebrate with my partner’s family anymore because they stopped getting together for New Year’s Eve. I don’t celebrate with friends anymore because I don’t have any that think to include me. I don’t even celebrate with my partner because it’s not a time of year that she particularly cares about.

It’s hard, sitting alone at midnight wondering where your life went wrong, wondering why you don’t seem to have anyone in your life who cares in the same ways that you do, wondering why you’ve lost everyone who ever did. It’s easy to get into a mindset where you blame yourself in those moments, easy to tell yourself that you’re the problem. But, if that’s true, how do I even change that? How can I find friends that want to include me in their lives as much as I want to include them in mine? How do I build up relationships with people when every time I do, I just wind up hurting them in the end?

It’s hard to go on social media and see all my friends posting about the parties that they’re at, wondering why no one ever invites me. It’s hard to wonder why I’m always the odd one out. It’s hard wondering why no one ever considers me to be their best friend.

Can someone please just tell me what I’m doing wrong? Can someone for once in my life please tell me what I can do to fit in and be loved? I’m so tired of being alone…